Awake

I, like many people I suppose, always think of the new year as a clean slate. A fresh start. The pain and disappointment of the previous year suddenly seems palatable and fresh hope starts rising. I love the start of a new year. 

I have made it a habit to really sit with God and intentionally ask Him about the upcoming year. 

What are you saying about this year, God?

What is the theme of this year for me?

Every year it’s a little different. Sometimes it’s a single word. Sometimes it’s a phrase or idea. But every single time, when December comes, I have honestly been able to look back and see the truth of whatever He said it would be that year. 

In 2012, He told me it would be the year of grace. And boy was it. I learned to give it and receive in at a depth I had never even fathomed.

2010 was to be the year of saying Yes. And it was. I said yes to Him and to others in ways I never had before.

2014 was a year of risk. Yep, that one rang true too.

I have several more examples, but I’ll spare you. 

“What is 2015 to be, Lauren?” 

I know that’s what every one of you is thinking. I can tell. And in my head, you’re saying it in a weird, silly voice.

My word for 2015 is awake.

I had been right in the middle of a season where His voice seemed like muddy water. It was like a radio with a ton of signals and waves coming in and I couldn’t decipher anything clear. Every time I tried to converse with Him, it seemed like all I could hear was static. It had been like this for a few months. 

So when I asked Him about this year, I wasn’t expecting much. (That’s another post for another day. But suffice it to say that having low expectations of the One who is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine was the symptom of a much deeper problem).

But then, clearer than I had heard Him say anything in a while, He told me that 2015 was the year I would be awake. 

Right after that, just like out of a movie, a song by James Morrison came on my iPod. The name of the song was....wait for it....The Awakening. James started crooning, as if he knew he was confirming a word from the Lord.

I haven’t felt this awake in years
Was too busy drying my tears
To feel the sun was shining on my skin
Locked up in my own cage
Filled up with a bitter rage
I couldn’t see the prison I was in

And I have been waiting for this awakening for so long, so long
I gotta get a little light inside
And I’m here holding out for just one thing
And it’s your love, your love
It makes everything feel alright

I was slowly slowly dying, slowly dying
It’s like the first day I’m alive

Now, admittedly, those are dramatic lyrics. But I, like everyone else, have a little inner drama queen that sticks her head out every now and then. (I blame it on being a melancholic). I started singing that with James and it was freeing. I'm holding out for one thing, just one thing...(oh hey, Psalm 27:4, aka..my life verse). I started declaring that it's His love, His love that makes everything feel alright.

Yes, 2015, I will be awake for you. I will be more myself this year than I have ever been before. He is awakening me from my slumber and He is right on time. He's never early and He's never late.

My pastor preaches a sermon* where he talks about the disciples falling asleep. It’s mentioned in Matthew 26, Mark 14, and Luke 22. They’re in the Garden of Gethsemane and Jesus is going to be arrested shortly thereafter. Jesus was troubled, knowing that He was about to die a terribly gruesome death. Before He goes off to pray, He asks them for one simple favor--to keep watch and pray. 

But they fell asleep.

Yes, it may have been late, and maybe they had been walking all day. Maybe they were just physically tired. But I think it was deeper than that. Previous chapters show us that Jesus saw and acknowledged sorrow in their hearts (John 16). I think they let disappointment turn to sorrow, which made them go to sleep. They had become disheartened. Over and over in the New Testament, we are exhorted to “take heart” and “don’t lose heart.” In John, Jesus says "don't let your heart be troubled.” Multiple times, in multiple ways, we are told the importance of keeping watch over our hearts. 

My heart must be a pretty big deal.

And I am coming out of a season like that. Grief and pain of varying levels have come over the past 3 years and it seemed like I never could quite heal from one before another came and threatened to bury me. My heart has indeed been troubled. And it made me go to sleep. Kinda like when someone has a seizure and then right after, they go into a deep sleep. It’s the brain’s way of recovering. I think I went to sleep as a way to recover. And I’m a “feeler”, which means everything feels like it’s exaggerated; like it’s written in all capital letters.

I read a tweet recently from my friend Blake** that says “My ability to live in hope is proportional to my ability to fearlessly process disappointment.”

I think I am just now learning how to fearlessly process disappointment. Things I thought would happen that didn’t. People I thought would be a certain way that weren’t. Tragically losing people unexpectedly (hi Dad!). The list goes on. We humans are so capable of finding disappointment. But as I bring it to God and allow Him to process it WITH me, I’m finding that hope is rising in me again. That has been the key all along. It’s dangerous to go introspective on your own. That has never led me anywhere good and has always ended up being destructive. But when I invite Him into the process with me and submit myself to His leadership in it, life comes. Because He knows exactly how far to dig and how deep to cut. One of the jobs of the Holy Spirit is Counselor. And the end result is always more life. 

So, yeah. Back to the original story.

I've been asleep. But He is waking me up. 

New depths and crevices have continued to be unfurled as I have sat in that. I was recently reading Psalms and this leapt out at me. 

And I--I in righteousness will see Your face; when I awake I will be satisfied with seeing Your likeness. (Psalm 17:15). 

Another translation says, “...when I wake up, I will be satisfied with seeing You.” 

Yes, Lord. May it be so. As I wake up, I will be satisfied with seeing You. 

*if you’re interested in listening to this teaching, I can totes get you a copy

**Okay, Blake isn’t a personal friend. But I do listen to his podcast, which makes me feel like we’re friends. And he follows me on Instagram, which basically means we’re besties.