That phrase from the old Israel Houghton song runs through my head approximately 5 times per day. It's the simplest way to describe my life right now.
If you know me at all, you probably know I am moving to Denver, CO in a few weeks. If you're close to me, you already know most or all of the story of me going. So you may just want to skim. But this blog is also a way for me to record some of my history for myself, so here is my attempt to put my heart into words.
This past summer, I started feeling bored with my life. Do you ever feel that way? I had a great job, great friends, great church, etc. But I felt bored. I began conversing with the Lord about it. Nothing crazy. Simply talking to Him as I do with so many things. I knew that the Kingdom of God is not meant to be boring and if I was feeling bored, something must be off. I started thinking and praying about how to remedy this. Should I go on a trip? Should I change jobs? Should I move? And why was I feeling bored in the first place, when I have a life that is awesome? I talked to the Lord about this over the course of several weeks. Then, unexpectedly, the answer came.
Lauren, you're bored because you love security.
The words came in the still small voice that He often uses with me. Not in a rebuke or with harshness attached, nope. But rather, in a kind, gentle voice that simply answered my question by exposing part of my heart that I didn't know was there.
He was right. (Duh).
I started thinking about how much I love security. Security is not a bad thing, but I had allowed it to box me in. I realized I had left no room for risk in any area of my life. I wanted adventure. I wanted a challenge. I wanted a new season. My father passed onto me a perpetual state of wanderlust (thanks, Dad), and it was rearing it's head. I knew that a church plant to Denver was on the radar of my church, but had never seriously considered going. And I wasn't sure of the timing.
What if you went to Denver?
I gently felt the Lord begin discussing this with me. I know it may offend some people's theology, but that's how it happened. He never commanded me to go, the way He would a slave. I'm not a slave, I'm His daughter. Instead, He asked me to go, as He would an intimate friend. I shared all of this with a couple of close friends and found out that the Denver church plant was actually happening a lot sooner than I had first thought, and that Upper Room Denver would be ecstatic to have me on the team. We're officially launching February, 2014. Plans and details have been changed and edited, then changed again. NOTHING has gone as originally planned. But there is not a group of people that I would rather go with. They are the real deal.
It's a risk in so many ways. I'm leaving the safety zone. Every cliche about leaving the shore and letting go and pioneering the unknown is ringing true for me. My little type A heart and soul is jarred. I want a 10 year plan, not a three month plan. But I'm learning to command my soul to bow down, as David does over and over in Psalms. The way Jeremiah did in Lamentations. And if there is one thing I know about the Lord, it's that I can trust Him. He has a long history of faithfulness with me. He is trustworthy. And though I have wanted to turn around a hundred times and stay back where I am comfortable, I think that's where the adventure first begins. Not in Denver, but while I am still in Dallas. I think the adventure begins the moment you want to turn around, but don't.
I'm drifting, closer towards to skyline, looking down on my life, trying to get just one thing right...
The second I stop second guessing, let go like a confession, see what I was born to find...
(lyrics from the song Flying for the First Time by Elenowen).
This song has been my theme over the past few months. I realize that all of this probably sounds dramatic to some, but it's big for me. And that's okay. He's proud of my yes. And even when it's a weak yes, He still digs it.
Apparently risk and adventure lead to snow and mountains for me. I may be in Denver for 3 months, I may be there for 5 years. Who knows? I'm open to whatever He has. The door is wide open. Dallas, Denver, the ends of the earth. They all sound lovely to me.
Some of you may know that one of my all time favorite TV shows is How I Met Your Mother. It’s a story told in reverse, of a dad (Ted) in the future looking back and telling his kids the story of how he met their mom. It’s the story of his life in his 20’s and the friendships he had and maintained, set in the present. I love that it encapsulates all the beauty and messiness and uncertainty of life in your 20’s. One of my favorite parts is early on in the series. Ted’s friend, Barney, tried to take him on an adventure because they always go to the same bar and order the same things and he wanted to do something different. Ted is reluctant at first because at least he knows he’ll have fun if he keeps doing what he’s always done. It may be a mediocre amount of fun, but it’s safe. When Barney insists that his adventure guarantees an exponential amount of fun and although reluctant, Ted finally gets on board. The story is long and complicated, but the end result is that they end up at the Liberty Bell in the middle of the night.
And they lick it.
Then they go home.
And it was a story they told for years to come. The point wasn’t in the actual licking of the Liberty Bell (they said it tasted like a penny). The point was that Ted chose the risk and adventure and didn’t regret it.
So here goes nothing. Denver is me licking the Liberty Bell. This could be a colossal failure, but somehow I know it won't be. Because His love never fails. I like that about Him.
PS. Other notable lyrics that I have camped on in this season include the song Letting Go by Steffany Frizzell-Gretzinger.
You've brought me to the end of myself, and this has been the longest road
Just when my hallelujah was tired, You gave me a new song...
I'm letting go....and falling into You.
